i have never been what you would call ‘big’ or even ‘curvy’. i was always a small kid growing up. due to being teased in gym class i never got into any sports; i was, however, a dancer from ages three to eleven. that ended when the dance teachers were cruel to me about my ADHD and told me i should just level down to be with the rest of my peers. once i quit dance, i ceased any physical activity.

all was well for a few years until age 14, when i entered high school. i weighed around 115 pounds, at 5’4”; respectable for my height, certainly healthy. towards the end of that year, though, i began fixating on my weight. i started a weight loss blog and followed girls with eating disorders, girls with disordered eating, and started becoming more and more obsessed with my weight.

for three years i lingered in this hell. i constantly thought about my weight. i spent hours dreaming about how much better my life would be ‘skinny’. i fasted, then binged. i forced myself to go running even though i hated it. one day, passed out on the side of the road because i hadn’t eaten anything. instead of seeing this as a sign that my body needed fuel, i saw it as a sign of how weak i was. how pathetic i was. i cut the word ‘fat’ into my thighs multiple times, as if to remind myself - like i could forget. i was miserable. i wore sweatpants and sweatshirt and couldn’t bear for anyone to touch me because i could feel my ‘fat’ bulging against every part of my body, overflowing, almost.

i still don’t know how i beat it. my senior year of high school the thoughts started to lessen; i was about to get out of that hellhole. i got into my #1 school, got a boyfriend, and the thoughts kept going away. i started yoga, which truly changed my life. i will never forget the moment when a superthin, flexible teacher told body-obsessed, inflexible me that there was a move i’d be able to do that she could never do. she just wasn’t built for it. i think my jaw dropped. that was just the first lesson in many that yoga has taught me; that every body is different. that we need to appreciate our bodies for all they do.

fast forward to freshman year of college, where things were not going well. i anticipated loving everything about my school; i hated almost everything. i was put back on antidepressants for my depression and anxiety, forgetting that a side effect i used to love was the lack of appetite they gave me. coupled with my anorexic roommate, my disordered thoughts were coming back in full; i didn’t know how to deal with them, so i simply ate whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted, and gained seven pounds. i was still fairly okay with my body - tried not to think about it.

fast forward to this summer, post my freshman year at college - which was miserable. i started fixating on my body again - bikini season tends to inspire that. i was debating going back to my EDNOS blog, but i knew i didn’t want that. any of it. so i started my fitblr, and though it hasn’t been easy, i’m feeling better about myself. 

i feel like i differ from some things i see, because for me, it’s struggling to get fit and avoid anything that triggers me. that can be a lot! for example, people tell me that they hate going for a run but they’ll do it anyway. for me, forcing me to do things i don’t want to do - that’s my EDNOS, not getting fit. so i’m making a commitment to finding ways to get fit that i truly love. i’m doing this as a lifestyle, i’m doing this for my health, not as a means to an end. the end is my happiness. the end is being able to look in the mirror and know that i am healthy and fit.

every day is a struggle. i still get EDNOS thoughts sometimes, and sometimes it’s so hard not to give into them. but i am trying. i am working out six days a week, continuing and deepening my yoga practice; i am reminding myself that every body is different; i am slowly making myself more resilient. soon, i am going to love my body, every day. i will be able to look in the mirror every single day and even if i’m a little bloated, even if i ‘overate’, know that i look damn good. and know that it’s okay to not have the perfect body i used to idolize.

my plan: everything in moderation. i’m not punishing myself, ever. for eating, for not eating, for not working out, for not looking ‘good enough’. i am doing things i want to do. i will never let fear of being fat or being not good enough control me. i’m not going to do things i don’t want to do. because my life is going to be about what i want - not what i think i have to do to meet some bullshit standards.

i’m sorry this was so long. and it’s not very eloquent. but god, that was cathartic. so thank you.