When I tried to think of my biggest struggle, the first thing that came to my mind was peanut butter. Maybe it was because that’s what I was craving at the time, but then the more I thought about it, I found that my weight loss struggle can truly be summed up by peanut butter. 

There are days when I could eat an entire jar of it and still feel “hungry” afterwards. Sometimes I would start with a tablespoon, trying to be “normal”. Then another, and then comes the “all or nothing” mindset and within the next five minutes, the jar is gone, and I’ve moved on to something else.

 Then there are other days when I hide that same peanut butter in the back of the fridge, trying to push it out of my mind. I would deny myself even the littlest bit for fear of binging. (Which, of course, leads to a bigger binge later on.)

I give too much power to peanut butter. I give too much power to food in general. I should be the one in control, instead of food taking control of me and ruling my thoughts. 

I don’t want to count calories forever. I am working on eating when hungry and stopping when full. To do that, it is necessary to relearn what hunger truly feels like, and that is a struggle every day.

But I have committed myself to doing this struggle, and I honestly think I can overcome it. For now, I’m just going to try to enjoy a little peanut butter every now and then (or more, because I can!)